It's not easy, the not knowing. Not knowing what it would be like to have you here, not knowing how different things would be, had things not irrevocably changed on that day in July, 10 years ago.
The sadness never really leaves. Because with the not knowing comes the knowing.
Knowing how proud you would be of the man I chose, and how well he has looked after me.
Knowing how much you would enjoy playing with your granddaugther, and now your grandson. Because I know how much it hurt you that your other children were so far away and how much you missed in the lives of your other grandbabies.
Knowing that you aren't here to hug me and tell me that things would be ok. Every girl needs her daddy to do that now and then, even when she has a husband who does the same.
Knowing that I can't just pick up the phone to talk to you, even though we didn't always agree. Guess I can finally admit that we were just a little too similar to ever agree to disagree.
But you know what? I know I carry you with me everywhere I go, for exactly that reason.
When I stubbornly refuse to give in in an argument, you are there.
When I am shocked at the service I receive, I hear echoes of you in me.
When I buy a new pair of shoes and carefully inspect them for flaws, the Jack & Jill perfectionist can be heard in my past telling me to be careful paying so much for shoes that 'aren't made the way they used to be'.
When I teach my class our motto "Good, Better, Best, never let it rest, till your good is better and your better is best" the one who instilled pride in my work and who encouraged me to always give my very best in my work is there, in my mind and in my words.
And when I watch Dylan playing with Jess, I am reminded of the endless Sundays you and I spent at the beach, or the times we played games together.
When I see him tuck her into bed, I remember the nights you sat at my side until I fell asleep.
You were a wonderful Daddy. My Daddy. And I miss you. But I want you to know that for all these reasons and a million more, you will never, NEVER be forgotten. I will make sure that my children know who their Papa was. And hopefully? Hopefully I will pass on a few of those traits you passed on to me, and you will live on in the lives of those you have not yet met.
Till we meet again, your Pally Blue loves you.